Hitchhiker's Guide To The End Of The Universe
by Moryath
Summary: Crossover of Eva with Hitchhiker's Guide: Two chapters -- Life, the Universe and Evangelions and the Restuarant at the End of Third Impact. Enjoy.
1. Life, the Universe and Evangelions

_Life, the Universe, and Evangelions_  
  
  
Forgive me... it just seemed that, after all this time, I should  
write something meaningful (and/or fun)... I finally have settled   
on a crossover of a rather unique sort, one between NGE and Douglas Adams'  
"Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy" books... forgive me if it's  
lame, or dull, or anything like that, like I said, it's a first attempt.  
Besides, revisions can always be done based on helpful criticisms.  
  
Thanks to the ideas, here is revision # 1.  
  
And, before I get too bogged down with apologies and stuff...   
on with the story.  
  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Arthur Dent was bored... really bored.  
  
After all, nothing can compare to seeing one's home planet get  
vaporized, then reappear a few minutes later, 42 times. After that,   
it's all pretty much downhill.   
  
The _Hitchhiker's Guide_ has a few things to say on the number 42.  
The gist of this is, that 42 is the great answer to the question of  
Life, the Universe, and Everything. Now if only we knew what the  
Question was?   
  
Ford Prefect, sitting beside Arthur on the bridge of the spaceship   
Heart of Gold, orbiting Earth, tilted his head to whichever screen   
he was looking at. It didn't matter much which screen it was --   
they all showed the exact same thing, the word "Processing" in big   
bold letters. Underneath that word, in small print, it said, "your   
tea will be ready in 42 seconds...41...40..."  
  
Ford yawned. Then he looked at the big viewscreen. Where there had  
been a perfectly peaceful, rotating organic computer called Earth,  
now there was a relatively un-peaceful, slightly flooded Earth with  
a big orange blob in orbit. Ford and Arthur still weren't amused until  
the blob turned itself, and looked at them.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The _Guide_ has a few things to say on the subject of orange blobs.  
It states,  
"When meeting an Orange blob, one can decide to do one of the following  
things. Either run away, hope it doesn't notice you enough to want to   
eat you, or eat it. The third option only works when the blob turns   
out to be a large, quivering mass of jell-o. Otherwise, taking refuge  
in a sufficiently shielded location (preferaby, a military spaceship in  
another quadrant of the galaxy) or running like mad to said location is   
the best course of action."   
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Arthur looked at Ford. Ford looked back, and said, "You know ,this time,  
it didn't come back quite right."   
  
Arthur looked at his viewscreen. As he did so, a small tray popped out  
next to him, with a cup of some brownish substance that vaguely resembled  
tea. The screen cleared up, and he began to check the latest alterations  
in the universe's fabric.  
  
"Ford, what are the chances that the 43rd time it came back Earth's  
polar ice caps would have melted, the entire human race would have descended  
from some being called "Lillith", half the human race would have been killed  
in whatever melted the ice caps, and they'd be using 14-year-olds to pilot  
giant robots to defend against space-borne enemies called "Angels"?"  
Ford Prefect tapped on his console, looked up, and said, "about 1 in  
18944588600779."  
  
"And considering we're in the Spaceship _Heart of Gold_, powered by  
the infinite improbability drive, and you forgot to turn on the reality  
shields again?"  
  
Ford pondered again, tapped something else into the computer, and said,  
"pretty good, I think. So, you want to go down and look around?"  
  
Arthur Dent just nodded, then replied,"Right. After they get rid of the  
orange blob, that is."  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Later that day...  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Rei and Asuka were changing, after stopping the latest Angel. Or, more  
specifically, Rei was changing. Asuka was kicking the hell out of her  
locker, mad that Shinji had been the one to single-handedly stop the Angel  
and that he'd gotten (in her mind) all the glory, once again.  
  
Rei walked to the door, in her usual school uniform, and turned her  
head. She considered asking Asuka to stop killing the lockers, as   
Commander Ikari had been angry ("That's the third door this week! Can't they  
stop her from doing that?"), but reached the conclusion that it was better   
Asuka beat up on the door than her. She was still needed to pilot.  
  
Shinji met Rei outside the locker room entrance, as usual, and smiled. Rei,  
also as usual, completely missed it and kept walking. Shinji ran up behind   
her, and with an unusual show of spine, called out, "Ayanami, wait up!"  
  
Rei turned, and looked at him. Just a look, no emotion at all. In her usual  
quiet, flat voice, she stated, "I think, for both of us, it is better that  
Asuka does not see you here. She is somewhat upset."  
  
Shinji and Rei heard a door slam open, and ran as Asuka charged out yelling,  
"Pervert!!!! Come back here and face it like a man, you COWARD!!!!!", as   
she raced after them.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------   
  
Shinji and Rei rounded a corner, Shinji leaning against a wall and breathing  
heavily, Rei tilting slightly and breathing only slightly less heavily.  
  
"So, what do we do now, Rei?"  
  
Asuka's shouts could still be heard, getting louder.  
  
"We keep running."  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
At that very moment, the UN picked up the Heart of Gold as it maneuvered  
its way down, under the reckless handling of one Ford Prefect, towards Tokyo-3   
from high orbit. The top officials quickly ran through all the available  
options on the checklist.  
  
"Weather Balloon."  
"Nope."  
"Mass Hysteria."  
"Not unless entire continents get it."  
"Hrmm, that's a little too Mass. Comet?"  
"Too controlled a descent."  
"Cloud?"  
"Too golden in color."  
"Angel?"  
"Who cares... let NERV handle it. We don't know what it is,  
and we're down to one bomber squad anyways."  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The alarms in Tokyo-3 went off. Again. Shinji and Rei looked at each other,  
Shinji shrugged, and then both took off at full throttle exactly the way  
they had just come.  
  
Asuka saw them coming, waited, and ran alongside them as they passed,  
taking time to yell "PERVERT!" in Shinji's ear as he went by.  
  
Rei winced.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Kensuke was waiting for Shinji as they reached the door to the lockers,  
and had camera in hand. Asuka batted it away, but Rei rescued it from  
breaking, knowing that he had no intention of filming Asuka changing   
(he'd already done that the previous week, leaving a camera behind  
and running while filming a "what goes on in NERV" documentary with   
Misato's approval). This time, he was ready to film whatever it was   
they were dealing with.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Arthur took time out from his retching to stare at Ford, begging him silently  
to start driving sanely. The computer bleeped a "Thank you for not puking  
on me anymore" at him before wheeling a service mechanoid in to clean the   
mess up. Ford looked at Arthur, and yelled, "I don't remember Earth's gravity  
being this strong... or was that Magrathea's? It's my first piloting job   
anyhow."  
  
Arthur Dent resumed retching, much to the dismay of the computer.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The three Evas stood at alert, watching for this peculiar object.   
This time, it'd be harder to catch -- instead of coming straight down,  
it was moving in at a low angle which ensured that it could take at least  
a large stripe out of Tokyo-3 if it hit wrong.   
  
Kensuke, with his camera, spotted it first and radioed in to Misato,   
"I have it. Coming in pretty shallow, a golden disc, from due north.   
If I didn't know better, I'd say someone was controlling it, keeping it on   
a course and maybe even land it. Be a pretty bad landing, but that's  
how it looks."  
  
"Shinji, did you hear that? Asuka, Rei -- back him up."  
  
Shinji: "Ready."  
Rei: "Ready."  
Asuka: "Why do I always have to back up that pervert? all right, I guess."  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The three Evas stood watching as the spaceship Heart of Gold lolled into view,  
executed a barrel roll and looped the loop, and then made a beeline straight   
towards them. In perfect synchronization, three AT fields went up, and the  
ship promptly plowed straight into them. Asuka, being nervous and improperly   
braced, took the impact and was thrown across the city onto a small hill.  
Rei and Shinji watched in amazement as two apparent humans, one boisterous  
and one looking extremely green around the gills, walked out of a small door  
in the side of the craft and looked around.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Gendou Ikari, from Nerv central command, cradled his head in his hands,  
having a very unpleasant day at best. "At least Rei isn't angry with me  
again," he thought to himself. The last time that had happened, he'd had  
to make an excuse to disappear to the South Pole for a week.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The first thing Asuka noticed, when she woke up, was the face of a halfway  
handsome man peering into her face. The second thing she noticed was his  
towel. Then she noticed everyone else in the room.  
  
"Wow, Asuka, you took a pretty big knock to the head, even with the LCL,"  
intoned Shinji, obviously having rehearsed what to say so that he wouldn't   
wind up dead when he said it.  
  
Rei then introduced the two unknowns. "This is Arthur Dent,"she said,  
pointing to a rather nondescript man talking with Misato and Maya, "And   
the gentleman with the towel is Ford Prefect, an interstellar hitchhiker,  
and the one who was piloting that ship we stopped."  
  
Asuka leaned back, and punched Ford in the face with about the same force as  
the Heart of Gold had hit her Eva-02.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Later that night...  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Ford Prefect and Gendou Ikari were talking. Both were also pist drunk.  
Ford had introduced NERV's commander to the delights of the Pan-Galactic  
Gargle Blaster, and Gendou had returned the favor with a very choice wine  
that had not been produced after Second Impact largely because most of   
Europe, including the Italian vineyard from whence it came, was now  
ocean. They were discussing the merits of placing towels on the Evas.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Arthur Dent was dancing with Asuka. Dancing remarkably well, actually,  
considering the pain in his instep from where she had stepped on it,   
to force him out onto the floor. His thoughts at he time were, "oh great,  
she likes me. She's 14, and I've been to the end of the universe and back.  
How do I get out of this one alive?"  
  
The next dance, Arthur and Maya went outdoors.  
  
Asuka was furious. She reached for the closest available male (who   
happened to be Shinji Ikari) and dragged him out to the dance floor.  
  
Shinji got a nosebleed, and fainted.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Arthur Dent walked into the Heart of Gold, a red handprint on his face  
showing clearly what Maya thought of his "plan" to escape Asuka. He looked   
down, and saw Gendou and Ford passed out, with Gargle Blaster glasses beside  
them.   
  
Arthur Dent shook his head, and left to find somewhere else to sleep.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Misato and Shinji, knowing that Asuka wouldn't be back any time soon (she  
had gone to stay with Hikari, not wanting to be around the "pervert"),  
generously allowed Arthur to camp out, throwing down a floor mat and  
blanket for him. Shinji, after hearing all about how Arthur had escaped  
the Earth moments before its destruction, and all his adventures, just nodded  
and smiled. He did, however, peruse the _Guide_ a while, momentarily startled  
by a description of one Eccentrica Gallumbits, then falling asleep halfway  
through the description of how big the universe was.  
  
Arthur couldn't believe a little kid like Shinji could snore that loudly.  
No wonder Asuka was always so peeved!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The following day, nobody except Rei and Gendou appeared to work at NERV.  
Gendou was wearing a towel, along with his usual attire, and an ice   
bag on his forehead.  
  
By the time NERV had closed that day, Rei had a large bandage on her thumb where  
she'd pricked it numerous times trying to sew together a gigantic towel from smaller  
towels. Gendou, meanwhile, was cursing Seele under his breath, muttering something   
about $100 towels and the inefficiency of government spending.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A week after landing, the Heart of Gold lifted off again. Its contents were  
Ford, Arthur, some food, and a hearty supply of icepacks for Ford's eye,   
swelling gently in four places corresponding to Asuka's knuckles.   
  
A few new entries went to the _Guide_ that week:  
  
Asuka Sohryu Langley; If one has never faced death, go there first. Then  
try to deal with her. The effect is similar to downing 5 Pan-Galactic  
Gargle Blasters in a minute. Better still, go deal with somebody else  
more friendly -- Eccentrica Gallumbits would probably be a good choice.  
  
Evangelion; A large, humanoid robot/being capable of stopping a speeding  
spaceship, assuming it is properly braced, by using a forcefield, or "AT   
Field", which it generates internally. Piloted by a 14-year-old, the   
"Eva" 's main weapon is its body coloration and gangly limbs, which   
cause the "Angels" they fight to double over in laughter.  
  
Angel: a space-born entity, this race has been trying for many years  
to buy some take-out cuisine from Earth. Unfortunately, the gestures  
of hello have been misinterpreted by the Earthlings, since they have no  
Babel Fish, and so a war has broken out between the Angels and the  
Evangelions.  
  
Earth: a peculiar planet, which sits on a focal point in Space/Time, so that  
it can never really be destroyed. For this reason, no clear definition   
of it can be given. Except that it is now inhabited by one Asuka Sohryu   
Langley, it can be considered Mostly Harmless.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Shinji and Rei looked up in the sky, watching the ship dwindle down to a  
point of light in the sky.  
  
"So, do you think they'll ever return?" asked Shinji.  
  
"Doubtful. If they do, we'll have to send Asuka far away until they leave  
again."  
  
"She was pretty mad at that guy, Ford, wasn't she? I wonder why."  
  
"She is very protective of Eva-02. It, and her pride, got hurt. It's the   
same reason I warned you to stay away from her, because we stayed standing  
while she fell over."  
  
"Oh. So, do you want to come over to my place, for a while? I assume we're not  
going into the locker room until she's done destroying it."  
  
"That would be... pleasant."  
  
Rei smiled.  
  
  
  
==========================================================================  
Thanks to:   
Some other people who helped edit this  
and  
Tom Rothamel  
  



	2. The Restuarant at the End of Third Impac...

Well here it is... as suggested by Tom Rothamel...  
  
The even sillier sequel to _Life, the Universe, and Evangelions_:  
  
  
The Restaurant at the End of Third Impact.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Ford Prefect was bored.  
  
This didn't happen much, at least to him.  
Arthur had insisted on visiting the man in charge of the universe again. Ford could  
not figure out why, especially since the old man himself didn't know what he was doing.  
But here they were, knocking politely on the door...  
  
As the door creaked open, Ford imagined what would happen if he and Arthur critically interrupted   
the old man's decision making process. Then he reminded himself that the book  
he carried was emblazoned with the words "Don't Panic".  
  
It didn't help.  
  
Arthur politely knocked on the door, calling, "Visitors... may we speak with the head   
of the household?" like some sort of galactic door-to-door salesman...  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Asuka was standing outside the door to her/Shinji's/Misato's/Pen^2's apartment, trying to break it   
in with her bare fists. Thanks to a freak space hole, she heard Arthur's voice perfectly clearly,   
as well as the knocking, and even Ford's "We're in trouble... I just know it... we're in trouble."   
  
Asuka looked around, her fist still braced against the door. Just then, Shinji arrived, palming   
the internal door switch. Asuka fell forward, landing with a muffled thump inside the frame, and   
quickly stood up yelling "Baka Shinji!!! Don't you know not to open a door someone's leaning   
against?!?!!! Indeed!! Sheisskopf!!!..."  
  
Shinji backed away from the torrent of abuse, not even willing to mention the fact that  
Asuka's pounding had caused the door only to be able to retract 3/4 of its normal width, held in   
place now by a rather sizable dent. "Some things never change..."  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The _Guide_ has many things to say on the internal workings of the Universe. One of them concerns  
the fact that, at random times, a warp in the fabric of space/time will open and carry sounds  
to some other place in the universe. Holes such as these have been known to start wars, cause  
cities to burn, and on at least one occasion has resulted in an entire planet's population  
changing their religion to worship of cheese wedges. Then again, this isn't a story about those  
wars or events.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The old man stood at the door, appraising his guests. Finally, he recognized them, and   
surprisingly said, "Ah, now I remember... come right in! It's rest day!Just sitting down to   
watch some tapes... gotta catch up on the action, you know."  
  
"Rest day?" Arthur and Ford asked incredulously, in stereo...  
  
"Yes, of course -- I take one every seven days, to make sure I don't tire myself out."  
  
"Rest day?"(stereo again)  
  
"Come now, you must sit down..." To the guests' surprise, there was now a sizable couch, bean bag   
chair, 80-inch TV screen, complete video system (DVD, LD, VHS, etc...) where there had been a   
modest cottage setting. The cat jumped into the old man's lap as he flopped back, petting it   
gently with his left hand while reaching for the remote with his right...  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The inhabitants of Misato's apartment watched in amazement as lunch quietly prepared itself,   
ate itself, then disappeared before the kitchen resumed its normal appearance. Simultaneously,   
both Shinji and Asuka "remembered" that they needed to go meet their friends, and bolted  
out the (still stuck in place) door.   
  
Misato stood, her jaw dropped, watching for anything else. PenPen waddled to the fridge, eyed a   
beer quizzically for a moment, took it, and returned to his freezer.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Arthur and Ford watched the screen in amazement, as an episode of Dragonball Z flashed past their   
eyes...  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Misato still stood there with her jaw open. Penpen got through eight more beers, then finally   
had had enough. He   
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
After the episode of DBZ, the old man turned to the two and said, "Could you open that box, behind   
you? My new tapes are in there."  
Arthur and Ford complied, believing in the old man's inability to willfully kill the  
universe. They pulled out a tape, staring at the title. It read, "Neon Genesis Evangelion;  
Genesis 0:05:0.5" They then calmly took note of who was on the cover, and began to make increasingly rapid  
glances towards each other and the TV, trying to believe they hadn't seen what they thought they'd seen.   
  
The old man calmly popped his entertainment into the VCR, and turned it on, oblivious to Ford's and Arthur's eyes  
popping out of their sockets.  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The _Guide_ has many editing processes. Somewhere in the middle of revising an article, some   
nit-witty editor took the comment "The ruler of the universe is a fan of Anime" as a serious  
helpful comment, and edited it out as all bland comments are done, rather than the interesting  
tidbit it was meant to be. According to Booblefrinx's third law of the Universe, "When a  
bureaucracy is involved, anything that could possibly go right will go wrong, and anything   
that should go wrong has a 50% chance of going right." Therefore, stupid stuff like this   
happens all the time.  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Arthur sat watching the characters in Evangelion, mildly surprised by a sudden outburst from Rei   
(Of course, it may have been provoked... Asuka was bad-mouthing Shinji yet again). He murmured,  
"Sure wish I could go back, and visit them for a while."  
  
The old man's ears perked up. "What did you say? We can go visit them? Let's GO!"  
  
Ford hung his head as the old man pranced out the door towards the Heart of Gold. "Did you  
really have to mention that? What if we've critically interrupted the universe? What if   
Eccentrica Gallumbits and Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters no longer exist?"  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Rei sat silently in her room. Not even a call from Cmdr. Ikari could get her away -- she was   
having the worst bad hair day ever. Instead of being its normal blue, her hair had turned   
rainbow hues, and was continuing to shift every few moments to a new color.  
  
Just then, a very familiar klaxon went off.  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Shinji, Touji, and Kensuke were all sitting around a table, eating take-out Ramen from some new  
place called "Anything Goes School of Takeout Cuisine". Although they had been quite surprised to  
see the young woman in a bridal dress deliver the food, they were now agreeing that it was the  
best they had had in a while (last night being Misato's turn to cook and her usual invitation for  
friends to eat over). As they finished their meal and sat watching TV (DragonBall Z was on), a  
very familiar alarm sounded.  
  
Shinji ran out the door, Touji following (hoping maybe it was because Eva-03 had been regrown...   
he'd decided, for that day at least, that it would help his sister if he remained a pilot). Kensuke   
grabbed his camera, took a look out through his zoom lens, then ran after Shinji and Touji.  
"Guys, wait up!!"  
  
Touji and Shinji slowed down enough so that he could catch up. "You're not going to believe this,   
guys -- the siren is because the Heart of Gold has been spotted again."  
  
"Arthur and Ford?"  
  
"Yep. And from the flight path, Ford's at the wheel again."  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The _Guide_ has, indeed, a section on proper handling of spacecraft. It goes approximately  
like this;  
  
If you want to pilot a spaceship, go to some spacefaring world and join their vacuum navy academy.  
This may take between 6 and 15 years to graduate from, depending on how advanced they are.  
If you can't do this, remember; keep a firm grip on the control stick, avoid running into anything  
larger than your shields can handle, and NEVER enter a planetary atmosphere at a steep angle: It's  
bound to do damage when you hit ground. Try to land by circling.  
  
Supplementary: It is not the normal hitchhiking way to pilot a spacecraft. The point of  
hitchhiking is to get there while somebody else is driving. However, in absence of qualified  
pilots, the scared masses usually turn to the hitchhiker to pilot it, as he's supposed to be able   
to do anything. Therefore, at least try to appear as if you know what you're doing.  
  
It is also interesting to note that Ford had chosen to dive down at 60 degrees towards Tokyo-3, and  
was doing his usual loop-the-loop and barrel rolls coming down.  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Three Evas stood in perfect triangular layout, waiting to see the ship come crashing down at them   
again, and also to stop it from plowing all the way to Central Dogma if it crashed.  
  
Over Asuka's intercom, a window popped up. It was Shinji. "You braced and ready?"  
Rei's window answered "Hai". For some reason, "Wonder Girl" had arrived with a shawl over her   
head, and had refused to take it off until she was in the plug. She had then turned her windows to  
voice only.   
  
"Odd of the little freak," Asuka thought, "but then, for her, who's to tell normal?"  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The Heart of Gold flipped through the atmosphere, both Arthur and the Ruler of the Universe  
trying desperately to hold on to their lunches, Ford yelling "Yee-hawww" as the ship spiraled  
through Earth's atmosphere. The Evangelions tensed up, 01 and 02's AT fields deploying, 00's   
getting about halfway out and stopping.   
  
Misato's voice came over the NERV window, "02 and 00, switch positions. Rei, try and concentrate,  
please."  
  
Asuka thought to herself, "Finally, Wonder-Girl shows her true abilities - ha!"  
  
Just as Unit 00's AT field finally expanded fully, the ship did something really surprising and  
landed. Perfectly. Flawlessly. Unit 02, over-bracing itself in expectation of catching the   
fast-moving object, fell forward and landed facedown in the hillside. Asuka's image suddenly  
switched off from view, as her omnipresent audio channel simply conveyed a slight sobbing noise...  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
A door opened in the side of the ship, and Shinji was surprised to see not two, but four figures   
emerge. One appeared to be carrying a cat.  
  
The old man looked up at Eva-01. "Impressive! So tall and powerful!"  
  
A voice (Misato's) came out from the speakers on the sides of the Eva. "You've returned, already?  
I thought you weren't going to do that any time soon."  
  
Arthur yelled back, "Well, we ran into a good reason to come back. Can we explain indoors?"  
  
Eva-01's hands came down. "Hop on -- I'll carry you there." came Shinji's voice.  
  
Eva-00 calmly (yet somehow not quite normally) walked over, picked up Eva-02, and plugged its  
power cord back in. Eva-02 somehow managed to frown, even through the facial armor, then stalked  
off towards the nearest lift.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
In a meeting room, Ford, Arthur, Misato, Kaji, Gendou, Fuyutski, Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Ritsuko,  
and the old man were sitting around a table. Rei was back in her shawl, and bowing her head very  
low as well. The cat was playing with a strand of hair, but nobody could agree what color the strand was.  
  
Misato broke the ice first, asking, "Wait a minute... weren't there four of you?"  
  
"Four of us..." murmured Arthur, "... Quick! Didn't you say last time you had some sort of super-  
computers here?"  
  
"Yes, why?"  
  
"Shut them down, immediately! They're in danger!"  
  
Gendou and Ritsuko rose to their feet. "WHAT?!?!"  
  
Ford and Arthur just looked at each other and said, "Marvin."  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The _Guide_ says something about androids, and especially about an old project which produced  
androids and mechanica with personalities. A footnote to this, placed by one Ford Prefect, takes  
note of a particularly bad android hereafter referred to as "Marvin" to avoid the length of saying,  
"Marvin the Paranoid Android".  
  
The Guide notes that Marvin, as a factory reject, came out manically depressive instead of   
depressingly manic. As such, he should be kept away from all semi-intelligent mechanica  
such as computers, as his theories on life could very well cause them to suicide.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Ritsuko ran to a screen, and began typing. Gendou was on the intercom, yelling, "Shut down all  
terminals and input stations in the city! Now!"   
  
All of a sudden, the screens in the conference room lit up with the words, "I'm depresssed."  
  
Then they went black.  
  
"Got it." said Ritsuko. "He was at the secret entrance near the restaurant district. NERV  
personnel are getting him now."  
  
Ford piped up at that moment with, "So, if anybody's interested in meeting the supreme ruler   
of the universe..."  
  
Gendou fainted.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The group had returned to the Heart of Gold, to go and get lunch. Again, it had been at the old  
man's request.  
  
"I know a great place to go. Here," he said, handing out a brochure which read,  
"The Anything Goes School of Super Saiyan Take-out Cuisine." Underneath, in smaller letters,  
were the words "and Okonomiyaki Bar."  
  
Ford powered up the ship, and away they went.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Re-entering Earth's atmosphere 20 years later, the Heart of Gold came screaming down to be stopped  
by a somehow still-functioning Eva-01, and was set down right next to a largish-looking dojo.  
  
"Here we are," Ford cried, and hopped towards the door with the old man. The others walked  
slowly out, and looked at what had caught them.  
  
A femalish voice, from the Eva, said, "Enter -- please. But do try to land next time, so you  
don't scare everyone like that."  
  
As Gendou reached the door, a giant purple finger descended behind him and flicked him into the opposite   
wall.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Shinji rounded the corner, and bumped right into -- Shinji. A very much older, taller, muscular,  
and happier-looking Shinji.  
  
"So, I see you've met mom. Well, come this way -- as long as you're here, lunch for your group  
is on `us'."  
  
"Mom?"  
  
"Yeah -- mom. Yui Ikari's soul "woke up" in Eva-01 after Third Impact; the Tendo group and the  
Saiyans were off-planet at the time. When they got back, they found me and Asuka, and offered to  
let us join up with them. We've got a lot of things rebuilt, especially with mom's help. You should see the train setup, we figured it was easier to make than to try and maintain cars. Since half of us can fly, it doesn't get that much use, but it's still impressive. Oh, yeah, you didn't bring dad, I hope."  
  
Right then Vegeta walked up carrying a bearded man in black suit and white gloves over his shoulder, saying "I assume the stiff is with you... where you want him placed?"  
  
"Put him by the largest booth -- they're here for lunch."  
  
"Never seen Yui quite that mad at anyone. What'd he do?"  
  
"He's our dad." both Shinjis replied.   
  
"Whoa... sorry."  
  
Vegeta wandered off, Gendou slung over his shoulder, muttering, "I'm too nice..."  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Older Shinji, Older Asuka, and the rest were seated around the table, eating okonomiyaki,   
Gendou by this time awake enough to ask, "what hit me?"  
  
"So, tell me again about Third Impact," Ford said through a full mouth, bringing out his   
personal copy of the _Guide_.  
  
"Well... Rei united with Lillith, everything went black, and the next thing I knew I was waking up  
next to Asuka. Eva-02 littered the beach, and mom (that's Eva-01) walked out of the sea about   
an hour later."  
  
"Hrrmm... anything else?"  
  
"Actually, yes -- it turned out that the power sources for the MP Evas were none other than eight  
DragonBalls, roughly half of two different sets. That's what brought the Saiyans back. For   
some reason, the Tendo group had gone with them into space, probably to escape yet another of   
Ranma's supposed fiancees and to train yet again."  
  
"Interesting."  
  
"Yes, well... I suggest you hide dad, when you return to the ship. Mom wasn't too happy   
about everything he did while she was dormant in Eva-01."  
  
"I had sort of guessed that. So, what happened to the DragonBalls?"  
  
"We've still got them around here, somewhere. Nobody can figure out what to wish for, so they're  
not getting used yet. Also, the Saiyans are pretty sure that Shenlong, the great dragon, is going  
to be mad if they wake him up yet again, so soon."  
  
"And, so that I can put this down, for future hitchhikers... who cooks this fantastic okonomiyaki,  
and how much can they expect to pay for it?"  
  
"Oh, that's Ukyou. She used to be one of the fiancees, but she quit because it was more fun  
being friends with Ranma. Right now, she's wondering if she'll ever find a male, especially  
with the current world population. Pricing... make us an offer. Mostly, we need tools and/or  
raw materials."  
  
At that moment, the old man finished his food, and said, "well, that was good, and it's been great,  
but I really should get home now... Thank you, everyone." He vanished.  
  
"Anyhow," Ford continued, "One thing I'm sure everyone would like to know -- what exactly was the  
second Angel?"  
  
"I can answer that," Gendou piped up, now almost fully recovered. "It appeared on our radar, gave a  
blue signal, and seemed to be only about the size of a basketball. It approached Tokyo-3, but when  
it was almost at the edge of the city it disappeared. We never did find out what it was."  
  
Rei's quiet voice piped up with, "I know where it is."  
  
"WHAT?" Everyone shouted  
  
"I know. I'm holding it."  
  
Sure enough, the eyes of the old man's cat were looking exactly like the eyes of an awakened   
Evangelion. A purple fist crashed through the roof, picking up the cat by the scruff of the neck  
and carrying it away. The other fist reached down, grabbed Gendou, and then Eva-01 disappeared   
as everyone look around in amazement. Sounds of "Oh no! My fine china!!!" came from somewhere else  
in the house as the tremors caused by an Evangelion running at full speed hit the house.  
  
Vegeta, Goku, Trunks, and Goten flew down, saying, "Come on, we'd better follow her."  
Everyone piled on to the house's porch, the Saiyans grabbed the corners, and the group flew   
off in the direction the Eva had gone. Ford was quietly researching the _Guide_, mentally   
resolving to see about getting all the editors fired. Again.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
When the group caught up to Eva-01, it was sitting, with Gendou and the cat huddling in front of  
it. Yui was screaming, "For THIS I got absorbed into some ugly monster? To protect the city  
from a wierd-looking CAT?"  
  
Eva-01's fist crashed down on the cat. An AT field popped up, and the cube of dirt surrounding  
the cat was driven another 6 inches into the earth.   
  
Rei ran over, picked up the cat, and yelled, "Stop!!! Don't hurt it!!"  
  
Everyone's eyes opened in amazement. Not at Rei showing emotion, though that was remarkable   
enough. Her shawl was loose, and the chromatically shifting hair was showing.  
  
Young Shinji walked up, and said, "So that's what you were hiding? Rei, it's beautiful."  
  
Asuka walked up and tugged on it. As Rei yelped in pain, Asuka said, "Wow, and it's real, too..."  
  
While Yui watched that scene, Goku quietly airlifted Gendou back to the Heart of Gold,   
admonishing him to stay inside. With him gone, Yui calmed down enough so that the rest (with the  
exception of older Shinji and Asuka) were able to leave.   
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
When the ship landed once more in Tokyo-3, Rei was refusing to give up "her" cat.   
  
"Rei, don't you realize you can't bring it with you? It's an Angel!!" cried Gendou.  
  
"I don't care -- I like it."  
  
"You can have another cat, if you like"  
  
"I don't want another cat! This one is like me!"  
  
Ford quietly slipped his towel over Rei's eyes, took the cat away with his other hand, handed it  
to Arthur, then took back his towel.  
  
"WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"  
  
"He needs to go home, Rei. His litter box is back there."  
  
Rei meekly quit crying, but reached over and pulled Shinji towards her, nearly squeezing the  
life out of him. Asuka began frantically attempting to pry him out of Rei's arms.  
  
Gendou, Misato, and Ritsuko pushed the three pilots out the door, saying, "Please, feel free to   
come back, anytime -- as long as neither the cat nor its master is with you!"  
  
Ford sat down, and punched the launch button.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Thanks so far to:  
Tashi Nagato (expansion)  
Addison Godel (expansion, clarification, grammar)  
  
  



End file.
